'How can I say this so we can stay in this car together?' - Claudia Rankine
I always start my workshops with a guidelines activity - working with the group to collectively build a generous environment for everyone. The space isn't 'safe' just because I aim it to be. We all need to co-create as much safety as we can in the time we have.
This activity can be extended to any gathering or conversation, whether family, friends, partners or colleagues. So, I thought I'd put together a ‘Mindful Talk’ conversation guide for those of you who want to use it. Those of you attending my group sessions will have access to the full resource. But I'd love to share a few tips with those of you who won't be in the session but would like to start that conversation.
First thing to consider, is the extent of this conversation.
A conversation begins before you start talking and
continues after you’ve left the room.
Here are a couple of guides for each of these stages. I recommend you have a large piece of paper and markers to write down your guidelines as you go!
BEFORE
• Set the space to be inviting.
Whether choosing a cozy spot, having warm drinks or burning oud, create a space that welcomes and grounds you. Make sure it is free from distractions, such as gadgets, paperwork or other people moving through.
• Consider the tone of your time together.
What are some values you each want to uphold for yourself going into this conversation? For example: to be open to difference, to share honestly, to invite imagination, to be a better listener, to be porous in receiving, to use the word ‘but’ less often.
DURING
• Stay curious to what your partner is sharing.
Try not to let your memories of that person, interpretations or preconceived notions interrupt your presence and what is being offered to you. Easier said than done when you have all the ‘but’s lined up, but with more practice - and much deep breathing - you can pull through!
• Don't rush to fill in the gaps or the moments of silence.
Take a mindful pause to allow things to settle and breathe. Sometimes, we really aren’t sure what to do with what just came up and it’s okay to acknowledge that.
AFTER
• Consider how you would best use the information that emerged.
Would you use it as a reminder? Can it inform your judgement the next time a situation occurs? How can it serve your relationship? How would your partner like it to be used?
• What's something you'd like to talk more about the next time around?
Recognise that not everything will be addressed in one sit-down and not all values you intend to enact will come through this time, and that more of mindful talks might be necessary. This allows the conversation you just had its own space, and a chance for the issues you address next time.
Tip: You can save the image below on your phone or tablet to use these steps wherever and whenever you need.
Would love to hear how you found this resource, how you chose to use it in the comments section below.
